First Photograph

Dear Soybean,

I was about to write that you had your first photo taken today, when I realized that you have a lot of "firsts" ahead of you.  I am so excited for you.  I think I will be excited for myself to be your mom if/when I can get over the pre-parenthood jitters.  So back to the picture--you will soon realize that I looooooove pictures and you may be photographed more times than you may like in the years ahead but there is something so special about this first picture--this sonogram.  The sonographer pointed out a flicker of movement and said that it was your heart.  Your heart!  A moving piece... not a stagnant positive reading on a home pregnancy test, but a real, living piece.  I think that may be why for the first time today I actually started talking outloud to you.  As I was talking to you, I realized you don't even have ears yet.  I found it a bit funny to think that there may come a day when you will again be "deaf" to the words coming out of my mouth and I just hope that when that day comes when you're a teenager that you make the right decisions for you.

I've bee looking forward to being a mommy for a good while now and I'm just hoping and praying that I can bring you to term.  One of my monologues went like this, "Okay, Soybean, just hang on tight and grow big and strong, okay?  Well, maybe not too big.  I still need to be able to pop you out.  Work with me okay?"

You should see your dad, Soybean.  He's so excited that you're here with us.  I can honestly say I found you the best daddy in the world.  I really think he's going to be your favorite parent.  And that's okay.  He's my favorite person too  :-)

Writing the words "pre-parent jitters" a bit ago kinda struck me wrong... it seems I'm already doing some parenting, in a small way.  I'm already having to do things I don't want because it's not all about me anymore.  Take for instance exercise.  I can now blame you for draining me of energy (my prior lack of energy has no blamable cause) and I didn't feel like exercising at all earlier this evening.  But in the one of the million parenting/pregnancy magazines I got from my first OB appointment today, it listed about 30+ reasons to exercise while pregnant, including one stating that babies of moms who exercised during pregnancy ended up smarter.   I want to give you every possible resource to succeed, little Soybean, so I got my fat butt up and did some exercise (you're welcome!). 

I haven't yet told your Grandpa Scheffler about you... I plan on doing that this Saturday at your Great Aunt Cindy's big 50th birthday bash.    He is going to be sooo hyped; of all the people encouraging (aka demanding) us to have a baby, your Grandpa has been the most persistent and enthusiastic.  Oh, and that brings me back around to why I've been calling you Soybean all these times....  when I told your dad and Uncle Kivini about you, Uncle Kivini referred to you as a soybean and the name has the stuck, at least for now.

I think I am falling in love with you.  Love is all too often based on familiarity with someone, and there is still so much I don't know about you, not even seeing you in the flesh yet, but I can tell you without a doubt that you are wanted and welcome and if there is any hesitation on my part in being a mom, it's not that you aren't wholeheartedly desired--it's just that I know people make mistakes and I'm afraid that I won't be the best person I can be for you.  But with God on my side, I'm hoping most of my mistakes will be little ones and that you will be someday soon you'll love me in return.

Yours truly,

~A.