Dearest Soybean,
It seems there are never enough hours in the day. Once again, it's bedtime and I find I haven't written to you. Well, tonight, I must write something!
The last OB appt we went to there were no ultrasounds done (bummer!) but the doctor did get out his little kit to listen to your heartbeat. Your heartbeat would fade in and out as he would chase you around with the wand, but he smiled finally as he said he had pinned you and we could hear your heartbeat, strong and steady. June 1st is the BIG appt where daddy and I get to find out whether you come with boy or girl accessories and make sure everything's developing correctly. I'm so excited; my coworker Becca demands a text as soon as I know--she won't let me wait until I come into work the day after to spill the beans. :-)
This weekend marked the second month anniversary of your Uncle Adam's death but it was good that I was with family for the horrible milestone. We were all together because we traveled to Nebraska to see your Uncle Stephen graduate from college! Your grandfather was amazing orchestrating the whole thing and making sure you and I were comfortable as possible--he borrowed a friend's RV and everything! (that the starter went out on the RV's generator two hours into the trip is beside the point.. haha!). I could feel myself getting short and withdrawn and it was one of those times I wish I could be on the antidepressants but the bad feelings come and go and your dad is always there ready with little kisses to make me smile. I was so proud of your Uncle Stephen as he walked across the stage; I was crying so much I felt stupid. He has worked hard for this and his accomplishment is well-deserved. I just know he's going to be the best nurse in the world--ever! It's just amazing how life can be so chock full of bad and good things, and both within so short a time. We grieve the loss of one brother and celebrate with another... *sigh*
oh, and another thing happened this weekend! you have a new cousin! Yes, my cousin Jessica delivered her baby on Friday! I have yet to see him in person, but the photos I've seen on Facebook show that he is simply gorgeous.
I love you. Sometimes I look at the ultrasound pics and wonder how something as detailed and miraculous-looking as you can still be so small. I mean, sure, I have a bigger belly than before, but nothing like I'm sure it's going to get. I wonder if you can feel the love for you from in there where you are. I felt a series of flutters earlier and fancifully imagined you were tapping on my belly from the inside as if to say, "Hey, Mom, how's it going?" Still no strong kicks but I've been told they're coming and will most likely be keeping me up at night. :-)
I did go see a counselor Monday evening when I got back from the Nebraska trip with another planned for this coming week. The lady seems great and I'm hoping I can get some tools with which to change my own reactiveness to situations. Your mama is a little firecracker; I swear it's in the Scheffler genes :-)
Well, I think I should lay us down for the night and get some beauty rest. I hope I will start to write again more faithfully, but you have to know you are the center of our universe right now, regardless.
All my love,
~A.
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