Top Fuel and Michael's Goodbye

Dear Soybean,

I was a bit surprised to notice it's going on almost two weeks since I wrote you last.  Some of it has to do with the depression I'm experiencing--I use up all my energy to make it through the day at work so that when I get home all I want to do is veg.  But that's not all--there's also been a lot else going on. 

For one, I've started looking into daycare costs, and wow, let me tell you it's not cheap.  It's about $480-$620 a month for an infant and those aren't even the "fancy-schmancy" places that allow you to keep an eye on your kid via live webcam at their daycare.  I'm still hoping that God will miraculously work things out so that I can stay home and care for you instead of having to go back to work, but even if He chooses not to work that way, I'll just have to learn to become more multi-tasking than ever.  I'm beginning to realize every mom is a wonder-woman.

Your dad has started in earnest again on his weight loss by eating well and exercising; he is lucky in that he can tell pretty quick that he's losing because the weight seems to come off of his face first.  It's always great when you can feel improvement pretty quickly; it's when you don't that you get discouraged and give up trying at all.  I told him he's going to look smoking hot in all of your delivery pics.  Between the two of you, I'll be the ugly one in all of them.  Sweating, tired, nasty--I'm going to have to have one of my galpals to attend me for the sole purpose of making sure I look my best in all of the pics... haha.

The Down's Syndrome test results came by normal... yay!   It's such a relief because when you grow up with some hard knocks in life, you somehow come to expect that the "worst" can and will be thrown your way and in the back of your mind, you have this nagging conviction that you'll be the one in a thousand to parent a special needs child.  But when you think about it, even "normal" kids can be considered as being special needs because not one of us is the same and we all think and react to things differently.  I pray God will give me the wisdom to handle whatever your special needs are while meeting my own.  Because I admit, I'm a strange bird myself and I'm blessed to have those friends who seem to understand me and appreciate me for who I am.

Being pregnant is a bit stressful because one can get worried over the smallest things.  For example, I was having a strange little pain in my abdomen to the right of my belly button and later some muscle soreness below my belly--nothing serious mind you, but just enough to make me pause.  Since that happened a couple of days ago, I haven't felt any more flutters from you moving around.  I haven't felt any cramps or experienced any bleeding, so everything tells me that I'm just fine and I'm just being silly but still I can't help but worry just a bit about whether you're okay.  It's one of those things where I just have to put you in God's hands and remind myself that you are a gift from God and that He is ultimately responsible for you--good practice on my part regardless whether I'm worried about you at that particular moment or not.  I can't help but feel my heart go out to my childhood friend Tara and her unborn child's struggle as I read Tara's blog.  Sometimes you are a bit hesitant to share your joys when you know someone is experiencing heartbreak in the same area.

Your dad and Uncle Mike got into it last weekend so that's caused some emotional white noise since.  That situation hasn't yet resolved, but I'm hoping everything will eventually work out even better than before.  I so like to see your dad happy and fulfilled--and being the peacemaker he usually is, I know this has to be weighing on him.  I've got issues of my own--next week I'll be trying to find some counseling to help improve my relationship with a family member.  Our interpersonal dynamic has made me question my ability to be a good parent (you may notice I haven't yet been able to bring myself to sign my letters "Mom") or even a good person for that matter and that's never a comfortable place to be.

People are asking more frequently if we've decided on names yet.  We have a couple of thoughts about girl names, but nothing definite for a boy.  Wish we could ask you your opinion  ;-)    Maybe it's just me, but it seems like it's more fun to name a girl because society allows you more "artistic expression" with their names; it seems like one is expected to be more traditional and "solid" when it comes to naming boys.  Chris had said we could name you Adam Vincent, but Jackie (the mother of my brother Adam who just passed) wrote me a long letter expressly begging us not to name our child Adam.  Adam loved his mom dearly and so I would like to honor her wishes as much as possible in his memory.  I loved Chris's thoughtfulness in expressing his desire to name his firstborn son in honor of my brothers Adam Webb and Stephen Vincent and dad Bruno Vincent, but Stephen will be sharing with one of your future cousins his middle name and the loss of Adam makes it a bit too painful for me at this point to pin his name on a new life, if that makes any sense.

As for current events in entertainment news, I don't know what you're able to make out from within all that fluid, but here's what's going on.  Will and Kate had their royal wedding in England today (not that I care one bit, but I did see Kate's dress and it is absolutely beautiful.)  And of course I would be remiss if I forgot to mention my favorite show The Office.  Character Michael Scott made his last appearance on the episode that aired yesterday, and silly me, I cried like a baby (no offense), not once or twice, but.... okay, who's counting??   and then my favorite American Idol contestant got the boot.  I got reflective when I heard that David Wilkerson died this week.  I remember reading his book "The Cross and the Switchblade" when I was a youngster--his real-life story has stuck with me through the years.

See what happens... I'm given a blank page and an evening with no commitments and look--I write a small novel.  :-) 

Bu if I've said it once, I've said it a million times--your daddy is so excited about you.  He kisses my belly and talks to you and swears up and down that, boy or girl, you're going to live and breathe NASCAR so that you can become a driver and he can get free seats to each race...haha.  Speaking along those lines, he wanted me to check with the OB doctor to see if it was safe for you if I were to accompany him to the top-fuel NHRA drag races this weekend.  The first return call I got from the doc's office was from a lady who had asked the physician assistant and she stated that it was fine for me to go--no problems posed to you at all.  The tone in her voice sounded very unconcerned like it was a non-issue.  Well I got a call back an hour or so later from the same lady.  She said that the topic had caused a lot of discussion in the OB office among the professionals--some people were of the opinion that since there wasn't any evidence that it would harm the baby I should go because you can't just avoid everything when you're pregnant and not live life. Others said why chance it?  She conveyed my doctor's opinion that his official recommendation was for me not to go but that it was up to my personal discretion.  I told the lady I appreciated her call very much and that with the doctor's recommendation, I would not be attending the drag races.  I'm not heartbroken--in fact, I all-too-quickly made other plans!  You and I are going to be meeting up with my friend Liz and her little growing spud for a Shakespeare play Sunday afternoon after a picnic lunch.  A much better way to spend the day than out in the burning sun walking one's legs off going from hotrod to hotrod to hotrod and inhaling toxic top-fuel clouds that roll off the track as one's body vibrates apart from the noise of dragsters barreling down the track ! (but don't tell your dad I said so, ok?  he likes to think I'm game and will be going next year, wink wink).  awww, I probably will go next year.  It makes me happy to know that some of the little concessions I make along the way can really make his day.  As it is, he is taking his long-time friend Jason (you'll probably come to know him as Uncle Jason) to the races as this is one of their annual events together; it's become something of a tradition for the two of them as I think this will be the 8th year or so that they've gone.

Speaking of your dad, it's getting late and I need to do the wifely thing of tracking him down, ha.  He was going to your Uncle Bobby's house to see Brendon who's come back from Ohio. 

I love you little Soybean.  And I think I felt some little flutters while writing this long ol' blog entry. Thank you.

~A.