Confession

Hey there chica-dee!

We may have made some progress on a name for ya!  If nothing else better appears between now and the immediate days following your delivery, we have a stand-by!  ready??  Charlee Ann Nall.   I say that but still most of the day was spent on looking through lists and lists of more names.  This has been seriously stressful!  Chris and I both like Charlie or some variant spelling thereof (we think it's cute!) but then we worry about what others would think about this boyish name.  But try to we convince ourselves it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  You're our baby!  And believe me, plenty of people have given their babies names that I thought were ugly, but ya know what? I still smiled and nodded.  Oh, mercy..

I have something serious to confess and I don't want you to take it wrong.  Hear me out and I think you'll find what my heart is trying to say...  I was worried you would be a girl.  But only slightly, because I just KNEW you would be a boy (the joke was on me!  ha).  Still, I'm not stupid and knew there was at least a chance you'd be a girl (and 50/50 is quite a substantial chance, don't ya think?) so I thought I should address it.  I saw a counselor a few times back in May and spilled my heartache that I was horrified that if I had a girl that we would have the same relationship I have with my mother.  I'm not saying your grandmother is a monster... far from it!  She's a great woman with a big heart but something about the dynamics of our relationship are strained, or at best, not what I had hoped for.  There's no real communication and though I believe we both try at times, it's non-effective. We're just giant puzzles to each other.  And something about getting pregnant aroused both old fears that I'd be a bad mom and idealistic expectations that my mom and I could magically bond into closeness I've heard about others having. I imagined her logging onto Facebook to look at your ultrasound pics and gleefully reading the baby blog... no such luck (I don't think she's read one entry). I had thought she'd be wanting to accompany me on OB visits and putting her hands on my belly to try to feel you move... I mean, golly, we live in the same house!  Not that she doesn't look forward to you coming... if I had to guess, I think she's interested in most of those things but wants to be "baby-fed" all the information personally, not learn from Facebook.  But for the sake of time and how I best communicate (through writing), I don't see why she doesn't try a little.  But there's my prejudice speaking again--I'm sure I could bend to her needs a bit more.  I finally decided I had to get some help once I saw my mom put some jewelry I had given her for special occasions into a give-away pile (she has quite the obsessive buy-then-trash-everything impulse)--I was through trying at all.  I grabbed up the jewelry including a necklace of a heart within a heart--it had reminded me of the parent-child relationship when I bought it and then I tried to remind myself that not everyone's love language is gifts like mine is.  Now I wear the necklace and think of you.  The counselor had some one-on-one time with mom during the first session and later told me that until mom seeks help for her own depression, ADD, childhood traumas, etc., that all I could change was myself.  She strongly encouraged that I form reasonable expectations for my relationship with my mother considering our obstacles but that I use most of my energy to concentrate on YOU.  She said that thoughts will come... thoughts created from emotional baggage I've carried over from my childhood, but that I should just acknowledge them for what they are and let them pass on through... like a cloud in the sky that changes shape as it drifts on by (her simile).  She also stated that I should use my energy envisioning what I want my relationship with you to be like.  And so I imagine us cooking holiday dinners together (your grandma doesn't like cooking), going shopping together--it goes on and on.  The counselor also reminded me that I'm in a different place than my mom was--I'm in a solid marriage with a great guy, meaning I have a support system she didn't.  And your Uncle Stephen reminds me that there was indeed a time when our relationship with our mom was very nurturing and protective.  Several women I've had the courage to confide my fears to have revealed that they too didn't have close relationships with their mothers but that those facts just made them that much more determined than ever to have something special with their own daughters...and they do!

So believe me baby girl, I'm jumping into this with my whole heart... I hope we never stop talking (once you can start anyway..ha)--never stop laughing together.   I hope you can cut me as much slack as your dad does because I know I'm moody, judgmental, quiet, etc.  I knew your daddy was "the one" because he was able to put up with me and all my quirks--I was sure no one ever could.  Now, with you, I'm scared but I'm ready to give to give this everything I've got and more.  Because you're worth it...

Love,

Mama